A Personal Letter to Aaran

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back. People thought I was the local whore, which was not true because I was a virgin. Maman made me depressed and made me hate myself for years, I thought I was nothing, an object.

I thought about why Salim let go of my hand, why. I thought Jamal liked me, I trusted him. I couldn’t get him out of my mind.

I’ve been ignoring this big lump in my throat I shouldn’t be crying , the tears were for the weaker days, I’m stronger now or so I say, but something’s missing. Whatever it is, it feels like it’s laughing at me through the glass of a two-sided mirror whatever it is, it’s just laughing at me and I just wanted to scream. I found the one, he changed my life, but was it me that changed and he just happened to come at the right time, I’m supposed to be in love but I’m numb again. Night after night, bar after club, dropping like flies, who woke me up on the front lawn, sprinklers turned on it’s not your house, where’d did I go wrong? First you get hurt, and then I felt sorry.

One night, I was practicing late with Maman and some other men from his gang, someone kicked the door open, Salim and Jamal was standing in the room in front of me. Jamal held my hand and it sent shivers down my spine, it felt so right. Maman started threatening them, but he stopped, at first I didn’t understand why, but when I saw Salim with a gun, I understood. Maman seemed scared first, but his irritating smirk came back. God I hate that bastard. Before I knew Salim shot Maman. I had no clue, were we were, I didn’t care, and the only thing I cared about was finally being reunited with your father.

We were lying on a mattress, just talking, it was perfect. Salim stormed into the room, with a raging face. He screamed and grabbed my wrist and held it so tight that I got a bruise from it. Salim was now in a gang, and they would come soon. I did one of the hardest thing I ever done. I told Jamal to go away only because I didn’t want him in this life, he didn’t deserve it, he was so kind, and I didn’t want to drag him along. I saw him run away, the love of my live is gone.

Salim slapped and kicked me for being stupid. The gang came and they wore worse than Mamans gang, a lot bigger and more serious. I don’t remember so much more, I remember your Father winning 20, 0000 rubies, I remember our first kiss it was magical.

We’ve been together for 4 years before we were deciding to get you darling. Every time I close my eyes I can see those cold eyes and they are haunting me, if it isn’t those eyes it’s the hairy Muslim or a flashback to all those times I got abused. I have nightmares every single night I can’t think back of a night without.

I spend every hour just going through the motions I can’t even get the emotions to come out dry as a bone but I just want to shout, but I can’t. Aarav I have brain cancer and vagina cancer I don’t how much time I have left. I just can’t do it anymore, they won’t let me outside, and I’m stuck in a hospital bed. I’m miserable, I am in pain, and I can’t even remember what the sun looks like.

Your actions is what set things in motion, be careful, don’t aspect life to treat you fairly.

Miss you and love you like crazy

Love mommy<3

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