An Interpretive Phenomenological Analysis of Heterosexual Male Experience of Togetherness

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Data Analysis

Three superordinate themes were identified around the subject of togetherness; shared experiences: routine and novelty, intimate connections, and “couplyness” [sic.] and domesticity.

Superordinate Theme 1: Shared experiences: routine and novelty

As the answer to the first interview question “What does togetherness mean for you in a relationship?” it was interesting to see that both participants mentioned shared moments and experiences when first thinking of togetherness.

Extract A1: Tim

I suppose it means spending time together and doing things together. Um I suppose that is … I suppose it’s more, there’s something in there that does kind of imply presence you know and being in the same place at the same time to the same ends

Extract A2: Oliver

I think what brings a couple close is shared experience. So… I think togetherness is some sort of common ground

This might suggest that the word “togetherness” has certain cultural links to shared experiences. Both participants used togetherness and shared experiences interchangeably throughout the interview.

Notable is that the experiences of togetherness they chose to describe throughout the interviews often were routine and not especially noteworthy, indicating that the regular daily experience shared is what they view as togetherness in their current relationships. Whereas the more exciting shared memories they described had happened earlier in the relationship.

Extract A3: Oliver

We were lying down the beach and having a beer, we’d brought a cooler with us, and like crisps and just shit food and then we’d do that kind of monging (sic.) out on the beach and then wake up at like 7pm then wander off, dip in the pool go and have like really nice food, and I just thought to myself like “ok, usually I do this with my family. This is so much better doing it with her, I’d have want to spend the rest of the holiday just with her”. And I think also what made it a bit more special is cause of the first time.

Extract A4: Tim

A fairly early date, I remember feeling just so completely completely, it’s a combination of feeling happy and relaxed and excited all at once um and just, just perfectly content. It was Busaba Eathai, a decent Thai chain restaurant and umm, that was, you know, from the context of the newness of the relationship and the fact that we were just getting, you know, still just very much getting to know one another as people but was so, you know, everything seemed to be so, so positively compatible um and uh and yeah and that was I think that was the first time at least that comes to mind now that was the first time that I really thought, I really felt that sense of really close togetherness.

Both extracts are moments earlier in the relationships where something exciting - a first holiday together and an early date - suddenly changed in the face of a conscious instant where the men remembered a switch that took place. In that moment the ladies became more than dates, they became partners. Here both men related how these activities were now more enjoyable with their girlfriends. Oliver indicated that an experience that he had previously related to family, vacation, suddenly felt more natural and better with her instead. Tim echoed that by talking about a casual setting where he remembered an early feeling of strong togetherness. It is linked to a feeling often associated with the idea of home; relaxation and contentment. Moving from novel to routine.

Superordinate Theme 2: Intimate Connections

The second theme relates to the idea of togetherness as a physical and emotional connection. When asked about physical intimacy, both participants naturally related that to sexual intimacy. Again this might be a cultural association where sex and intimacy are closely linked. They talked about the contrast of novelty and comfort.

Extract B1: Tim

I think one thing that does change is the nature of your physical intimacy because initially when you’re first with someone new your physical intimacy is primarily about sex … and if you’re going to be spending time certainly in the same bed then it’s probably going to have a sexual context to it. And when you are sleeping in the same bed because you live in that apartment together um then you won’t always be having sex in bed, you’ll be other parts of… togetherness so um you know it’ll become the sort of physical context becomes one of… I don’t really like the word but nurturing as well.

Extract B2: Oliver

I mean from my experience if you don’t have that physical attraction it’s not, it just doesn’t work. […] So I think physical togetherness for me, personally, is really key. I think, when you’re in that moment, you, you’re really really together.

Where Tim talked about physical intimacy relating to sex but also more generally to physical presence, Oliver related it almost exclusively to sex throughout the interview, calling it the moment of being “really together”. This could be explained purely by the difference of character, but more generally it might be attributed to Oliver being younger and not having been with his partner as long as Tim, as well as it being Oliver’s first relationship.

Together with talking about sex more, Oliver also emphasized how important and crucial to the relationship sex was, whereas for Tim it was no longer the most defining feature in his couple to date. However, Oliver did make a point to differentiate sex with his girlfriend from previous sexual encounters, expressing a development as the relationship advanced into a more emotional connection, taking precedence in a loving relationship. Yet while he is evidently happy with the emotional progression, his choice of wording, “wears off” is interesting to describe his familiarisation with sex with the same partner over time.

For Tim it was very different, where sex was less special and other ways of being physically together had become more important in the daily experience of his couple. He talked about a moment in their relationship where they were apart, or long-distance, and explained that the hardest thing about it was the lack of daily physical togetherness in simple moments such as cooking and bedtime.

Extract B3: