Grief and Marriage - Some Get Worse, Some Get Better, Some Maintain

Jessica McNamara

Freed

English 104

12 September 2017

Grief and Marriage:

Some Get Worse, Some Get Better, Some Maintain

Home Burial is a poem that presents a conversation between a husband and wife grieving the loss of their son. The conflict in this piece is represented by the husband and wife handling their grief in different ways. The husband is detached and unemotional, as was to be expected in this time period. He is not really able to express his grief the way the wife does. The wife is very emotional and is particularly distressed by her husband’s lack of emotion and grieving in a way that is different from her. The piece being represented in dramatic dialogue only aids to its subject matter. It allows the reader to experience the emotion of the situation and place themselves in the shoes of the character they relate most to. I am unable to think of a better way to approach this subject.

The power dynamics in this relationship shifts throughout the poem. The poem starts with the man in the position of power. He saw her from the bottom of the stairs before she saw him. (Frost 1-2) At this point the man is observing the woman, she cannot see him yet which puts him at an advantage to observe her. In the same sentence the woman holds another type of power, physically at this point the woman is at the top of the staircase placing her metaphorically in a position above the man. As the poem progresses the power shifts. Mounting until she cowered under him. (Frost 11) At this point the man possesses the control. The woman cowering shows that she is in a sense inferior to him or at least fearful of him. The power shifts once again as the husband and wife argue. "Just that I see." "You don't," she challenged. "Tell me what it is." (Frost 19-20) Here the husband has come to the conclusion of what the wife is discouraged by as she walks the stairs, she can see the grave of her child through a window. He states that he “sees” in a sense claiming that he understands what is going on with his wife. The wife however challenges the husband claiming that he does not understand, tightening her grasp on the sense of power in the conversation.

Neither character holds much sympathy for the other. Briefly the husband attempts to understand the wife’s grief but in the same sentence he demeans it. "Tell me about it if it's something human. Let me into your grief.” (Frost 61-62) The husband is so confused by his wife's grief that he feels the need to clarify if it is human. He attempts to be sympathetic but her method of grief is outside of his grasp and so he questions her, “What was it brought you up to think it the thing to take your mother-loss of a first child so inconsolably in the face of love." (Frost 66-68) In this line the husband accuses the wife’s grief as a façade; as if she sees being inconsolable in your grief is fashionable.  It is the next line that shows his lack of sympathy for his wife. "You'd think his memory might be satisfied” (Frost 69) Time does heal, however mourning does not always satisfy grief and to assume that grief is some sort of finite thing hardly seems considerate and understanding.

Just as the man does not understand the woman’s emotional display, the woman does not to understand the man’s apparent indifference to the situation. She sees the man’s manner of digging their son’s grave to be completely detached. You could sit there with the stains on your shoes of the fresh earth from your own baby’s grave and talk about your everyday concerns. (Frost 88-90) She sees that he is able to dig the grave and go right back into a conversation as if everything is fine, as if everything is normal. The woman sees her husband as not having feelings about the death of his son. The man speaks a line that is deeply enveloped in metaphor. ‘Three foggy mornings and one rainy day will rot the best birch fence a man can build.’? (Frost 96-97) He compares his child to the birch fence. In interpreting this metaphor one could consider a completely direct approach in that the child suffered three days (three foggy mornings) and died the fourth (one rainy day) trauma or illness of this extent can result in death for even the strongest child (Will rot the best birch fence a man can build). The husband has to compare the situation to another that is logical for him and perhaps talking about mundane situations is his way of managing the pain.

As a woman it is easy to identify with the wife in this piece. To put it simply, I am an emotional person, just as the woman represented. If I were to put myself in her shoes, a mother who has lost a child, I can safely say that I would be a complicated mess of emotions as well. Taking into consideration my own relationship, where I am emotional and at times irrational, while my partner is level headed and rational most of the time, I can imagine this situation developing similarly if we were to ever lose a child together. Although my partner and I are much more developed in our communication than these characters and would have an easier time communicating with each other, there would most likely be the same form of lashing out at one another if we were unable to understand each other’s ways of coping with the loss. The couple’s communication issues are highly apparent. However, this does not necessarily mean that the marriage cannot be saved. Lack of communication paired with grief, especially involving a child can cause a huge rift in a relationship. No two people grieve the same, even when they’re grieving the same loss. This can be complicated for people to grasp. One of the most common held myths is that after the death of a child, the majority of marriages end in divorce. The actual facts bear out that the death of a child usually acts, instead, to polarize the existing factors found in the marriage; hence, some marriages get worse, some get better, some just maintain, and some actually do end in divorce. (Galica) Home Burial is a poem that presents a conversation between a husband and wife grieving the loss of their son. The conflict in this piece is represented by the husband and wife handling their grief in different ways. The husband is detached and unemotional, as was to be expected in this time period. He is not really able to express his grief the way the wife does. The wife is very emotional and is particularly distressed by her husband’s lack of emotion and grieving in a way that is different from her. The piece being represented in dramatic dialogue only adds to its subject matter. It allows the reader to experience the emotion of the situation and place themselves in the shoes of the character they relate most to. I am unable to think of a better way to approach this subject.