Do You Know What You're Really In?

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abuser may have such low self-esteem, that they use these hurtful putdowns to make their own self-esteem higher.

Verbal abuse is when a person tries to make his or her own self feel better by putting down a certain individual. The longer this goes on, the harder it is for the victim to recover his or her self-esteem. Verbal abuse is very common through the relationship of a heavy, abusive drinker. An alcoholic may come home looking for someone to insult simply because they have nothing better to do. Often the abuser will tell you that you are ’stupid’, and could not manage without him/her. He/she may keep you up all night to ’sort this out once and for all’, or even wake you at night to continue to verbally abuse you (Evans). The abuser may even say kindly things to your face, but speak badly about you to friends and family. In reality, they are just making situations worse for themselves, their friends, and their loved ones. Most people didn’t know that verbal abuse is formed in different categories.

One of the categories of verbal abuse is withholding. Withholding basically involves withholding oneself from the normal intimacy needed for a close relationship. Most end up feeling alone in their relationship and often wonder what they have done wrong to alienate themselves from their partner. Another category is countering. Countering renders any discussion impossible, as the counterer doesn’t listen to the victim’s opinion or feelings, but simply opposes anything he/she may say. A tell-tale sign of dealing with a counterer is the phrases such as ’I feel’, ’I think’ or ’I get the impression’ are neither used by the counterer nor accepted as personal opinions when the victims voice them. A common one is denial; a verbal abuser will deny outright that he/she has in any way been verbally abusive or that his/her behavior is unacceptable. Denial is dangerous for victims because it denies their experiences, and often turns reality on its head. When one’s partner denies outright that a conversation or disagreement has taken place, that any hurt or upset has been caused, or that he/she was shouting and angry, the victim may begin to doubt their own perceptions (Evans). Last but not least: forgetting. Verbal abusers will conveniently ’forget’ incidents or promises which are of importance to the victim, especially previous incidents of verbal abuse. Denying by ’forgetting’ what has happened consistently is way beyond the normal forgetfulness.

Even though abuse in relationships is a common thing we see in the world today, doesn’t mean that we as a society can’t find ways to end it. Before you get into a relationship, just ask yourself, “Do I know what I’m getting myself into?”

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